


Welcome Home

by bioticblackops



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempt at Humor, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Post-Mass Effect 3, Secret Relationship, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-07
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-20 02:16:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8232520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bioticblackops/pseuds/bioticblackops
Summary: Ten months ago Kaidan refused to put Shepard's name on the memorial wall. Lost in space the crew of the Normandy needed something to believe in even if he couldn't. Now they are finally returning to Earth to find Shepard is indeed very much alive. Suddenly faced with the prospect of a future together, Shepard and Kaidan all but forget to tell their friends about their relationship – until the decision is taken out of their hands. (angsty, fluffy, smutty, and hopefully funny prequel to The Accidental Proposal in which we find out why Admiral Hackett saw Kaidan without pants and what naked debriefings are)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So ... I could just go on about how life was very stressful this year (which it was) and why Darkest Before Dawn had to suffer because of it. But instead of doing that, I just quietly give you a new fic instead before starting to write DBD again, yes?
> 
> The good thing is that this fic is already completely finished! Five chapters of angst and fluff and smut and humor! I will post the first one today and then a new one every few days.  
> This story is a prequel to The Accidental Proposal. You don't need to read it but it's my favorite fic (by me) so ... read it? Maybe? 
> 
> And maybe some helpful background information: In this headcanon Shepard and Kaidan are extremely private about their relationship which is why their friends don't know about it. This whole thing started basically as a "but how DO they find out?". Anyway, enough talk. I hope you like it. Comments, kudos, and everything in between is very welcome!

Ten months. It had been ten months since he'd last seen her. Since he'd last held her, kissed her, heard her voice saying she'd always love him. Ten months since the relays broke in a flash of bright light they'd just managed to outrun and that had stranded them in the middle of nowhere with parts of the ship shot to hell. Ten months since they'd started trying to make their way back, not knowing what they'd find upon their return.

For Kaidan it could have been ten years. He felt every single day deep down in his bones. In his last conversation with Shepard, he had joked that they were old soldiers now. Since then every single day had put an even deeper strain on him, deep down in his soul. He could put it down to the fact that he'd lived to see the end of the biggest war the galaxy had ever seen but he knew it was only part of the truth. The whole truth was that he'd lived to see it alone and that fact was tearing him apart.

Survivors' guilt was something Kaidan was well versed in. Even before Virmire, even before Alchera. But compared to the end of the war, all this still felt more like a concept. Nothing compared to the moment he had to leave Shepard behind on earth, had to listen to her final words to him. He relived that moment again and again, no matter if his eyes were open or closed. It was always lingering, pressing down on his heart and making it hard to breathe. In many ways, losing her a second time was even worse than the first. Maybe because this time around everyone was convinced she was still alive. Everyone but him.

Kaidan took a deep breath, checking his appearance in the mirror. There was nothing to be done about the dark circles under his eyes, the white in his hair that was trying to take reign over his black curls or the grayish look of his skin. Being stuck in space too long would do that to you but they'd all agreed to go to earth first. No detours, no breaks. They all needed to know, really know. Not through second-hand accounts, not through rumors, not through shaky vids, or garbled messages. They needed to see it with their own eyes or at least hear it from the right people standing in front of them. Whatever the answer to the question pressing down on every single Person on the Normandy would be.

Kaidan checked his dress blues and found it acceptable. If it was for returning heroes or just the unwilling CO of a ship that would never feel like his he didn't know. He didn't care either way but he knew he'd need to play the part just a little bit longer just as he had the last ten months. Ever since he'd refused to put her name on the wall. Ever since he had, in a moment of weakness and madness and despair, believed she could be alive. That she could really have pulled it off and survived the unsurvivable just like she always did.

That moment had lasted for all but five minutes. As soon as he was alone again, as soon as he had convinced the rest of the crew, giving them the hope they so desperately needed, he'd lost it himself. It left him hollow and breathless, his heart heavier than ever before.

Kaidan closed his eyes and took a deep breath, counting down from ten to regain his composure. It would help no one if he fell apart, not even today. Especially not today. Soon he'd be free to do exactly that. To grief for the life and future that he'd been foolish enough to hope for in the middle of a war and had been taken from him. But for a few final hours, he needed to be strong. To be the man Shepard would have expected him to be in her place.

Pushing away from the sink in the men's bathroom, Kaidan tried leaving behind the dark thoughts but they kept lingering. Clinging to him and following him persistent and familiar like his own shadow. On the way to CIC he nodded to a few crewmen saluting him, excitement written on their faces. He gave them a small smile because no matter what was awaiting them, they were finally home.

As always he refused to spare the memorial wall a second glance. He knew his eyes would just be drawn to the spot where her name should be, the plaque resting in a drawer instead. His refusal of giving her the last honor laid heavy on him but he couldn't change that anymore. Not when it brought hope to so many who needed it so desperately. Kaidan rubbed his eyes, hoping the fatigue wasn't as visible as he feared it was.

"You look like crap."

"And you spend too much time around Vega and Joker."

Kaidan didn't look at Garrus but his lips still twitched. Leave it to his turian friend to not mince his words.

"Not excited to finally get back on solid ground again?"

Kaidan huffed a laugh. "You have no idea."

"Right. Because I wasn't stuck on this tin can for the last ten months together with a bunch of humans."

"Why do I feel like I should apologize for that?"

"Nah, it's ok. It's not your fault your species can be so annoying. Although I'm pretty happy we finally get to see one special representative of humanity again. The Normandy sure isn't the same without her."

"No. It isn't."

Kaidan could feel Garrus' eyes lingering on him, weighing his reaction. He'd been with them on the run to the beam. He'd held Kaidan when he could hardly stand anymore, dragged him back onboard while Shepard ran to her death, leaving him behind. Again. He had witnessed their last moments together and heard their declaration of love. It made him the only person on the Normandy to know that Kaidan had lost more than his commanding officer and friend that day. And it made him the only one who was trying time and time again to get him to open up and talk, to know that his calm demeanor was nothing but a facade to help him get through the day.

Kaidan rubbed his cheek. It was smooth. He had shaved this morning in preparation for their return to Earth, something he'd neglected over for the longest time. His skin felt weird without the beard but at least he didn't look like a "poor homeless imitation of the best-looking pilot of the fleet" as Joker had told him in no uncertain terms.

The elevator pinged and they stepped in, the same heavy silence between them that always seemed to linger whenever they were alone. Garrus had stopped trying to get him to open up, accepting that Kaidan wanted to be left alone with his thoughts about Shepard. That didn't mean he wasn't trying to be there for him. Kaidan knew Garrus was behind all the myriad tiny ways their friends tried to be there for him over the past year. Behind the long sessions of Skyllian Five with the engineering department. Behind all of Tali's questions and requests for help despite knowing she already knew the answers before even asking. Behind training sessions with Vega after which he was so exhausted he could barely move and slept like a stone. Behind all the calibrations Garrus suddenly didn't feel up to anymore. Although as far as Kaidan knew, they all just thought the weight of being the one having to follow in Shepard's steps was what was wearing him down. Fine for him.

Stepping out into the CIC he was greeted by most of the crew, human and otherwise, beaming at him and saluting crisply. He nodded every few steps, a tired smile on his lips. He was stopped a few times by people thanking him for not letting them give up, for giving them hope, for believing. Kaidan nodded and smiled along. He tried hard to listen and not let his own dark thoughts shimmer through. Most were too excited to finally be back to notice, others were likely blaming a lack of reaction on the fatigue. The last few months had taken a lot from all of them.

"Took you long enough. We're almost there."

"ETA?" Kaidan crossed his arms and stepped next to Joker, his duffel already waiting in the cockpit. He had no interest in going back on board later to get it. The pilot didn't look at him, fingers flying over his console, pressing a myriad of buttons.

"'Bout seven minutes, give or take. Depends on how good they're prepared for our arrival."

"Even if our messages didn't get through, they should've picked up our signal some time ago."

"Well, they didn't shoot at us, that counts for something, right?"

Kaidan huffed. "We're not that badly torn up. Even with the new pieces, you can still recognize the Normandy. A lot would need to happen for the Alliance to start shooting at us."

"Well, Shepard might be pissed when she sees what we did to her ship. There might be shooting involved."

Kaidan said nothing to that. The sudden heavy silence made Joker turn around. Like much of the crew, the pilot looked haggard from his time on the ship as well as the sudden loss of EDI. While Tali was convinced she'd be able to get the AI up and running again, the lack of proper equipment made it impossible to do so while still in space. That alone made Joker even more grumpy and short tempered than usual. While Kaidan swallowed his silent grief, Joker wore it on his sleeve. At least the pilot had a chance to get the unusual love of his life back, Kaidan thought, trying to keep the bitterness at bay. Instead, he forced his mind back to the myriad of other problems they'd been fighting.

They had made just a few stops to refuel and resupply as there wasn't much left between the place they'd been stranded at for a few long days and Earth. Most stations were little more than debris, the colonies didn't fare much better. The handful they stopped by had little to spare even though they were more than willing to when they realized who they were. It made their rations last longer but they still had to cut back to make it this far. But the thing they'd craved most was also the thing hardly anyone could provide: news.

The relays were all dead and so were almost all ways of intergalactic communication. By now they knew the Alliance and what was left of the council were working on getting it up and running again but the colonies further out were still waiting. By the time they had reached the bigger planets and settlements, they'd already decided to go for Earth first so they didn't stop more than necessary. The fact that the Normandy's communications were shot to hell didn't help either. Nothing was going in or out, not since Tali and Adams' last try to repair the system had effectively crushed it. He wasn't sure if their last message went out but they'd find out soon enough.

Joker was still eyeing him when he tore himself to the present.

"You don't think she's alive, do you?"

"I never said that." He didn't need to ask who he meant.

"Yeah but you didn't say you did either. Not since you refused to put up her name and that was months ago."

Kaidan took a deep breath and let it out again. "It doesn't matter what I believe, Joker. Fact is we don't know if she survived the blast. If it's true what they said at the last colony, if Shepard was on the Citadel when it blew up, it's unlikely that she-"

"Just like everything she ever did. Damn it, Kaidan, I thought if someone believed that she could survive just about everything by now, it was you."

I can't. This time, I can't.

The words turned to ash on his tongue, not able to leave his mouth. Instead, he clenched his teeth, avoiding Joker's scrutinizing stare to watch the nearing skyline of Vancouver. It looked different than the last time he saw it, of course. Then again, there weren't any reapers hanging between the buildings. There were hardly any tall buildings left but from what he could see, they were well on their way of getting there. People on Earth hadn't been idle while they had been gone.

Realizing he wouldn't get much more out of him, Joker heaved a sigh and turned back around.

"You want to say something to the crew?"

He didn't but he knew he needed to say at least something.

One more time, Alenko. I just a few minutes and you're out of here.

Kaidan nodded to Joker and accepted the speaker, taking a deep breath, unsure of what to say. He could see the crew looking at him, expecting and excited although not for his words. A smile crossed his features, a real one this time. He knew what to say even if at some dark corner of his heart it rang hollow. 

"Welcome home."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An OC happened. Say hello to Private Parks who will guide us through this chapter before we're back to Shenko-y goodness.

She was gone. Again. And they were going to blame her, she just knew it. Private 1st Class Harlow Parks tried to quell the panic as she more or less ran through empty hallways. Panicked because it meant she was late, glad because it meant she could move faster. Even if moving faster meant she'd be chewed out faster by Admiral Hackett for losing the woman she'd been assigned to. Again. A woman usually sitting in a wheelchair that should not have been able to move as fast as she did or vanish as often as she did, leaving said wheelchair behind. The same wheelchair Parks was now running through the hallways with, praying to God Shepard hadn't already made it to the landing pad where the SSV Normandy SR2 was about to arrive any minute now.

Taking the corner too fast, she almost lost her footing, making the wheels of the wheelchair screech. In the last moment she regained control over the vehicle, swaying only slightly as she tried not to hit the few people who'd not yet made it to the landing pad.

"Coming through!"

People jumping out of her way were a well-known sight by now although her speed had reached new heights today when losing Shepard seemed more pressing than on any other day. She could already see the door to the landing zone where most stood behind barriers as not to crowd the long lost new arrivals that had finally made their way back to earth. Cheering made her heart sink and soar at the same time, telling her in no uncertain terms that the Normandy had arrived. Cursing under her breath and apologizing to her mother for it a heartbeat later, Private Parks collected her last reserves to go just a bit faster, almost crashing into a red-haired woman in her way.

She hardly took long enough to shout an apology over her shoulder when she almost barreled into the two soldiers assigned to keeping the way to the landing area free to everybody who had not received Admiral Hackett's explicit blessing. Eyes wide, both jumped out of her way, already knowing her all too well to try and stand in her way. She recognized one of them in passing, seeing him grin at her empty wheelchair and probably guessing what it meant. She'd throttle him later – granted Admiral Hackett wouldn't throttle her before.

For the first time since she found Shepard's quarters empty, she started to slow down when her eyes found the fabled Normandy SR2. Shepard's ship, the ship which helped them win the war against the reapers. She was banged up bad but it was her and she was more beautiful than Parks could ever have expected.

The Private was so in awe she didn't even notice she'd already reached the man she was seeking out, almost crashing into somebody with the wheelchair again. If after today she was ever allowed near the blasted thing, it would be a miracle. Especially considering she had, again, lost the woman that should occupy it.

Parks came to an abrupt halt, wheelchair stopping just short of somebody's legs. In the back of her mind, she registered dress blues as her eyes traveled upward until they reached a weary looking pair in the color of dark honey, staring back at her below raised brows. They belonged to a slightly haggard but at least clean shaven face and it took her a long moment of staring in absolute silence until she was able to put together all the pieces and get a complete picture of who she was staring at like an utter idiot. She'd only ever seen pictures and heard stories of Major Kaidan Alenko, second human Spectre, but it was enough to leave her slightly awestruck, even after having been assigned to the first human Spectre for the last few months.

Eyes widening, her hand shot up in a salute so fast, she smacked herself before she could even say as much as "sir!". She could feel her cheeks heating up. May the ground open up and swallow her whole ... Right about now, please. A snort interrupted her desire to die on the spot, at least until she found the source of said snort and wanted to die all over again. As it seemed, the whole crew of the Normandy SR2 was already on the ground, standing behind their commanding officer and being served a heroes welcome by the people surrounding them. People who all witnessed her utter incompetence, probably laughing at her as openly as one Flight Lieutenant Jeff "Joker" Moreau was at the moment. Before she could as much as start to pray that lightning struck her to release her from her misery, Admiral Hackett demanded her attention.

Half-panicked that she wasn't only too late but also utterly embarrassing herself, she stared at one of the highest ranking members of the Alliance without understanding a single word until he repeated himself, voice an odd mix of resignation and amusement she'd come to know and dread all too well.

"Private Parks, why exactly are you running around and wrecking havoc with an empty wheelchair?"

Oh as if he didn't know. Now she had to actually put her own incompetence in words, confessing that she'd lost Shepard. Again.

"Oh, um, I ... Ah..." Words!

Another sigh, impatience creeping into his voice as he spoke. "Where's the Captain, Private?"

"Uhm, well..."

"I decided to walk here myself, Admiral. Since it's such a nice day."

Parks' heart stopped in her chest, unsure if she wanted to turn around and kiss or strangle the newcomer who'd been the bane of her existence ever since she woke up from her medically induced coma several months ago.

Strangle, Parks decided as she turned around to see Shepard's lip quirk up, about the only sign the woman ever showed when she was amused by something.

"I guess another reminder that you are not supposed to walk around, no matter how lovely the day is, would be completely moot, Captain?"

"Wouldn't know, sir."

Admiral Hackett huffed but before he could say another word, Flight Lieutenant Moreau spoke up again.

"Captain, huh? Took 'em long enough. You got no promotion after saving the Citadel from blowing up but now you got one for actually blowing it up?"

"Seems like it. Good thing I'm so good at blowing things up," Shepard quipped, the smirk widening into an actual grin, something Private Parks had never seen on the Captain's face before.

"Still, would be nice if you maybe wouldn't be on it next time you decide to blow something up, Shepard," another voice rumbled. It belonged to a turian and it took Parks a few precious moments to realize it must be Garrus Vakarian. Before her brain could decide what to do with that information and how to embarrass her further, Shepard huffed a laugh.

"No promises, Vakarian."

The turian had no chance to answer as something, or rather someone, blue almost threw herself against Shepard, forcing the Captain a few steps back and almost made her knees buckle with its force.

"Easy there, Dr. T'Soni!"

"Liara!"

"Shepard, are you OK?"

"Oh by the Goddess, Shepard! I'm so sorry! Are you alright?"

"Captain!"

Voices clashed together as Shepard was suddenly in the arms of an asari. Her legs -- not yet strong to begin with and already weakened thanks to her refusal to be wheeled to the landing pad -- almost gave out under her.

As always Shepard shooed everyone away who tried to help, although Major Alenko seemed to care little for the fact as his arm was around Shepard's waist, pressing her against his a holding her up while Dr. T'Soni was holding on to her other site, partly clinging to her, partly supporting her. Everybody seemed to have made a step forward, ready to catch her should she fall but sandwiched between the asari and the Major, Shepard seemed almost fine, even if her legs still looked a bit wobbly.

"You alright, Commander?" Major Alenko asked, eyebrows drawn and eyes searching her face for any sign of discomfort. It was the first time he actually spoke, voice deep and rough, and full of worry. Shepard merely nodded, lips pressed together as she stared at her fellow Spectre in a way Parks couldn't decipher.

Just as she opened her mouth to answer, Parks again proved her excellent talent for timing.

"It's actually Captain now, uh, sir."

The eyes of both human Spectres found her at the same time and again Parks wished the ground would just open up and swallow her whole. By now, even another reaper invasion seemed preferable to her opening her pie hole again. At one point in her life, her mouth needed to learn when to shut the heck up and not work completely disconnected from her brain. Although the fact that her brain was on high alert, pretty much just screaming in panic at the moment, didn't help.

Shepard, by now knowing her only too well, turned back to the Major.

"Don't worry, you'll get used to it, Major."

The last word sounded less like a title and more like a private joke between them as something passed between the two of them although what exactly Parks couldn't say.

"Are you sure you're alright, Shepard? By the Goddess, I'm so sorry! I didn't-"

"Don't worry about it, Liara. And yes, I'm happy to see you too."

"Does this mean I get a hug, too?" Another voice added to the mix, not waiting for an answer before moving in to throw her arms (albeit carefully) around Shepard's neck.

Sandwiched between an asari, a quarian, and Major Alenko, Captain Shepard almost looked a bit lost, although she was by now smiling, clearly happy to have her crew back. Voices were all talking over each other by now and for the first time, Private Parks noticed the camera crews and spectators, celebrating the Normandy's return as well as watching the spectacle in front of them.

Parks shot Admiral Hackett a nervous look, noticing his eyes switching from Shepard to the crowd, a small smile still on his lips.

"As touching as this is, we should head inside. I'm sure the crew would like to get some real food inside of them and get a short rundown of the status quo as of now. As I understand, your communications system's shut to hell."

"Yes, sir," Major Alenko answered, still pressed to Shepard and thus involuntarily included in the group hug. He looked rather awkward and uncomfortable being this close to Shepard. His body was stiff and he looked like he'd rather be anywhere else. All Parks knew of the two of them was that they served together on the SR1 and SR2 and there had been some pretty public clashes, the most infamous one ending in the Major shooting Councilor Udina before joining Shepard's crew again. There were voices saying that he'd doubted her a lot because of her former ties to Cerberus which was why they'd always seemed kind of distant if seen together at all. Parks wondered why the Major even wanted to serve under someone with a lesser rank if he doubted her alliance. Maybe to keep better watch over her?

Parks' musings were interrupted when Admiral Hackett loudly declared that there were accommodations for the crew of the Normandy as well as a hot meal waiting -- after all of them went through the standard medical check-up. The cheers he got for the first part, turned into groans because of the second but they all knew it could be worse. Nobody brought up the idea of quarantine which was lucky for everybody involved. The planet the Normandy had crashed on was known although not colonized as it was, as Flight Lieutenant Moreau put it, "at the ass end of the Galaxy".

Under the watchful eye of the medical personnel, the crew of the Normandy was shuffled to the medical wing under the cheers of citizens and Alliance personnel alike. Every ship returning home got a big welcome, but they all dwarfed against the heroes welcome the Normandy and her crew got, unsurprisingly. Parks had almost forgotten how many people they were surrounded by. It seemed like every last person in Vancouver was pressing against the barriers to getting a closer look at the heroes believed lost in space, although she knew that it could only be people working on the compound. Everybody else would have to follow the vids at home.

Glad she had only one person to shepherd around and not an entire crew, Parks looked back at the woman in her care, grasping the handles of the wheelchair tighter. She knew what was about to come and already dreaded it but she'd stay strong this time. This time, no matter what Shepard said, she'd put her in the wheelchair and get her back to her room without any detours.

As if she'd felt her glance, Shepard looked over to the Private, almost deflating her with a single raised eyebrow. It would be ridiculous if it wasn't the woman who'd almost single-handedly ended the biggest war of the Galaxy by blowing herself up and surviving it.

Steeling herself, Parks pushed the wheelchair forward, making clear to everyone what she was about to do. Only the core team around Shepard remained and she tried to ignore the eyes of so many war heroes on her, watching in bemusement as she prepared to fight the same battle she'd struggled with over the past few months ever since Shepard had woken up and declared herself fit enough to walk. Not that any of them knew, but a short glance around told Parks that most if not all of them had a pretty good idea of what was about to happen.

Shepard, still standing between Dr. T'Soni and Major Alenko, although at least the quarian (Admiral Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy?) had taken a step back to stand next to Garrus Vakarian, was following every single one of her movements. Not for the first time since meeting the first human Spectre, Parks felt like prey.

The Private took a deep breath, pushing the wheelchair in front of her without a word, knowing Shepard would understand. Both of the Captain's eyebrows were raised by now.

"I already walked here, Parks. I can walk back."

"Captain, it is my job to make sure you get from one point to the other without hurting yourself-" or others, she added silently. "So please let me do my job and get into the wheelchair. You know what Ms. Lawson said about overtaxing yourself."

"I'm fine, Private."

The fact that neither of her squad members felt safe enough in her ability to stand on her own belied her words.

"Captain-"

"She's right, Captain," Admiral Hackett interrupted gently, taking pity on the Private. He'd witnessed this discussion a myriad of times and even though he still looked bemused by it, he was probably sick of it by now.

"With all due respect, sir-" Major Alenko made a noise that sounded dangerously close to a laugh disguised as a cough. "I walked here and-"

"And now your legs are tired, Shepard. You are still in recovery and you shouldn't have walked here all by yourself without any help. Or supervision."

Shepard opened her mouth, no doubt to counter again when Major Alenko jumped in.

"Shepard."

It was just a single word, quietly spoken and full of something Private Parks couldn't quite grasp. Shepard turned to her fellow Spectre, looking at him with an equally unreadable expression for a few long seconds. There was a silent exchange that screamed stubbornness on both sides but in the end, one won out. Whatever Shepard found in Major Alenko's face, it made her sigh and grumble a single "fine".

Private Parks blinked, unsure if she'd just heard right. Did she just ...

Without another word Shepard took a step forward to the wheelchair, forcing Major Alenko and Dr. T'Soni to follow her if they wanted to continue supporting her. It earned her an exasperated look but nobody said anything when they helped her in the wheelchair.

Parks could see her jaw moving, knowing how little the Captain liked not only still being so weak but also having the world witness it. It didn't matter how many times she'd already been told how lucky she was and that she just needed to be patient. For Shepard, the world seemed to move too slow, as did her recovery. Parks would probably feel pity if she wasn't so scared Shepard would shoot her if she noticed.

Happy her charge was finally where she was supposed to be, Parks slowly started pushing her back towards the Alliance building. The remaining crew of the Normandy was still lingering around Shepard, seemingly nobody wanted to leave her out of their sight. They were joking with each other, question after question being thrown in Shepard's and even her own direction. About what had happened after what they called "the beam run", about the state of Earth, the council, rebuilding, pretty much everything. Most importantly about Shepard's fate and health. It soon became clear that any promises of debriefings at a later date hardly satisfied anyone.

Unsure how or even if she was supposed to reply, Parks threw a helpless glance in Admiral Hackett's direction, noticing that he'd fallen behind with Major Alenko right next to him. The Major was looking serious, eyes still fixated on Shepard, eyebrows still drew together so much it almost looked like a single one instead of too. Parks wondered if the man ever smiled. Maybe it as much of a rare occurrence as one of Shepard's smiles. She'd guess it was a military thing if she didn't know enough marines with shit-eating grins and loud voices that seemed to be the stark difference to the two officers. One of those people seemed to be Lieutenant Vega, who was walking right next to her with a slow swagger, talking to the Captain while calling her "Lola" for some reason. She almost balked at the blatant dismissal of regulations but the Captain didn't seem to care, idly chatting with the Lieutenant. Parks had the feeling she was missing many stories and for a moment she kind of envied all those people and how they seemed to perfectly fit together despite how different they seemed on the first glance.

"Man, you'd think the Major would look less like he ate something incredibly disgusting now that we'd touch solid ground again," Vega quipped. Parks threw another glance over her shoulder at the second human Spectre. He was nodding along to something Admiral Hackett said, his eyes glued to the woman in the wheelchair in front of him. His glance never left her, making Parks wonder if he still mistrusted her after all this time.

"Is he always so serious?" Parks asked, voice so unsure she wanted to kick herself.

"Eh, the Major's alright. The last few months just have been hard on him," Lieutenant Vega replied, his voice turning somber.

For once, nobody said anything, the addendum "for all of us" stayed unspoken.

Parks bit her lip, regretting she'd said anything. After arriving at the door, their ways parted. Some soldiers and medical personnel were already waiting to bring the rest of the crew to the medical wing for their examinations while the Captain was reminded of her own schedule, much to her dismay. Or at least Parks thought it was dismay as she hardly got any reaction at all. Even after all these months, it was still hard to read Shepard. She wondered if the small cluster of people they were parting with were better at it. They had to be.

With the promise of meeting later for a hot meal, they went separate ways. Looking up, Parks caught sight of Major Alenko throwing a last glance over his shoulder to Shepard. The woman in question stared right back, eyes on the departing group and especially her fellow marine and Spectre. Neither of them did or said anything but even Parks could feel the tension between them, even from a distance. She wondered what had happened between the two of them that they were this cold towards each other.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan lurks and Shepard has no patience.

Looking back at his life there were just three times when he was this nervous standing in front of a closed door.

The first time was on the SR1, when he'd decided to throw all caution to the wind and go to Shepard's cabin, either to finally give in to his longing or ruin his career forever. Instead of the latter, he'd gotten one of the most memorable nights of his life, one he'd keep close to his heart forever as the moment he'd completely surrendered his heart to Shepard.

The second time was when he stood in front of Shepard's door in the hospital, unsure if she'd want him, really want him, in the hospital or in her life or if he was just a sad, delusional fool hoping for more than he actually deserved. This particular visit had resulted in a breakout and the most careless days they'd ever had. The only ones they ever had, as the SR1 went down soon after and the next time they saw each other was on a backwater planet where he'd decided to hurl all his pain into her face instead of holding her close to him forever as every other part of his being demanded.

The third time was when he stood in front of her door on the SR2, unsure if there was anything left of them to salvage or if he'd ruined it all with his inability to let go of his own pain and fear. It had ended in Shepard opening the door herself, looking him up and down and telling him to get inside and stop lurking around. She had whiskey and still the softest lips he'd ever had the fortune to taste.

But this time ... This time felt different from all the other times. There was no threat looming over them. No end of the world scenario, no destruction or fear, no galaxy-wide war that brought them together. And even if he knew it was ridiculous, in the back of his mind a tiny voice was nagging him, questioning if they'd still fit together if there wasn't a constant threat of death looming over them. If she hadn't just picked him for a lack of better options to not spend her last days alone.

Kaidan knew that it was ridiculous, that Shepard would never do something like that. But even knowing it, believing it, there was still a cold grip of fear around his heart that too much had changed in the ten months since they'd last seen each other, held each other. There were so many what ifs circling around his mind it was making his head spin.

Before he was able to follow another panic ridden thought down the rabbit hole, the door in front of him opened, revealing the woman in question. A slight smile played around her lips and it took his breath away. Not just because it still had the power to make him feel ridiculously light headed but also because for so many months he'd doubted, no, he'd known, he'd never see it again. And yet here it was. Here she was. Alive.

"You know, you gotta stop lurking in front of my door all the time, Alenko. People gotta talk."

His breath left him in a startled laugh. Shepard's smile widened to a grin as she stepped aside, letting him into her quarters. His eyebrows rose as he noticed how big they were, something that shouldn't surprise him considering whose home it was. Knowing Shepard she'd probably protested when presented with them but as an officer and hero of an intergalactic war, he could imagine how that discussion with Hackett had gone down.

The front door was leading into a rather spacious mixture of living room, dining room, and open kitchen. To his left, he could see a door leading to a bedroom, which was one room more than most Alliance personnel were used to while being stationed ground side. If they didn't live in the barracks anyway. He hadn't seen his own accommodations as he'd come over almost straight away after the painfully long dinner they'd had shared with the rest of the crew and some of the people stationed here.

They weren't able to exchange more than a few glances. It had been hard not to stare at her, to make sure she was really there, sitting just a few chairs down, listening to Garrus and Joker's tales about their odyssey through space. He'd mostly just kept to himself or talking with Hackett while pretending to be focused on his food. In reality, he hardly tasted anything at all because he was too occupied to watch the woman he'd believed dead. He feared that a mere blink would take her away from him again, proving that it all hadn't been more than the desperate illusion of a hopeless man. But she stayed. She stayed right where she was, sitting among friends, smiling, eating (although too little as he noticed, she'd lost weight), and from time to time stealing a glance in his direction, making his heart lose its rhythm.

The door closed behind Kaidan, startling him from his quiet reverie that had kept him staring at Shepard. She was standing just a few feet away, a bit more than an outstretched arm. And yet he couldn't bring himself to breach the distance, to find out if all his worries and fears were based on reality or just too many lonely nights in space.

Green eyes were searching his face, mapping his features as if committing them to memory. Kaidan wondered what she saw. He knew he'd lost weight and instead gained more gray hairs and a few wrinkles. There were shadows under his eyes and by now on his cheeks and chin. He looked tired, probably even more than he felt now that he was close to her again.

Shepard looked ... She was beautiful. Nothing could ever change that. Not the shorter hair that looked like someone had to shave it months ago to treat a head injury and it was just now growing back into something resembling a haircut. Not the new scars traveling down her cheek and neck, dangerously looking like burn marks that kept going on under her clothes. Not the lack of color in her cheeks, making her almost deathly pale under her freckles and still stark red hair, giving her a ghostly look. Not the crutch she was leaning on, the wheelchair forgotten in a corner of the apartment.

Kaidan just noticed what an incredible ass he was.

"Do you want to sit down?" He asked in a rush as if he had any right to offer her a chair in her own apartment.

"No."

He couldn't help but feel his heart sink, a myriad of ways she'd reject him torturing his thoughts.

"I would very much like for you to fulfill your promise to me."

Kaidan blinked, wrecking his brain and coming back blank.

"Promise?"

"You said you'd fight like hell for a chance to hold me again and yet there has been a decided lack of holding ever since you returned, Alenko."

He knew she wanted to joke but the waver in her voice betrayed her, laying bare all the feelings she usually kept close to her heart. Even without that, Kaidan wouldn't have hesitated another breath to cross the space between them and wrap her in his arms. He wasn't even aware he'd moved until he'd already slung his arms around her, pressing her as close as he dared. It still wasn't close enough for Shepard who drew him even tighter against her body, burying her face in his neck.

Kaidan closed his eyes and breathed her in, that unmistakable scent of Alliance soap and shampoo, somehow smelling better on her than should be possible. He could feel Shepard's fingers digging into his uniform as if making sure he wouldn't try to escape. As if he wanted to move, ever again. The warmth of her body bled through his clothes, banishing a cold he hadn't even realize had him in its grip. For the first time in months, he felt himself relax. He felt like being able to breathe again.

Shepard took a shuddering breath against him, telling him without words how much this moment meant to her. He pressed her even closer to himself, as much as he dared to without fear of hurting her. All the questions in his mind dimmed, the peacefulness of the moment taking over. He was back. He was with Shepard. She was still alive. She still wanted him. There was nothing else he needed.

He'd lost all sense of time when he felt Shepard leaning heavier on him but not in a way of searching for comfort. Kaidan opened his eyes, blinking against the sudden albeit dim light of the room. Shepard's crutch lay on the floor, disregarded and forgotten. He hadn't even noticed it falling down.

"Can we-"

"Of course!"

Without so much as thinking about it, Kaidan swept the woman in his arms up in a show of bravado that might've gotten him threatened with a sniper rifle on any other day. Today, Shepard just made a very un-Shepard-like shriek of surprise that had him grin from one ear to the other.

"Kaidan, what the fuck!"

Ignoring her protests, he carried Shepard to the small couch, plopping himself down and taking her with him. Still in his arms and half-sitting on his lab, Kaidan couldn't think of a better place for her to be. An exasperated huff left her, betrayed by the smile on her lips. It mirrored the one on his, the one he couldn't seem to shake and didn't want to.

Shepard shot him a glare as she wiggled to make herself more comfortable. Considering how near Kaidan was holding her, she had precious little room to move. When she finally settled, she'd managed to get even closer to him, her face just a few inches away. Kaidan could feel her breath crawling over his lips, drawing his eyes down towards hers. Before he could start wondering if this was the right moment, Shepard's hand was buried in his hair, drawing him close enough so she could seal his mouth with hers.

The kiss started out almost chaste, a mere brush of lips, lingering and enjoying the feel of each other. It took a few moments before they even started moving against each other.

Kaidan's brain was drowning in sensation, his body urging him to make up for lost time. To claim her lips, claim her body before the next catastrophe came knocking, taking her away from him, this time maybe forever. He knew he had more luck than any other person in the galaxy, getting a chance to hold this woman again and again despite the odds against them. This time, he swore to himself, he wouldn't let her go, no matter what happened.

Shepard seemed to entertain similar thoughts, her fingers buried in his hair and holding him in place. The tips were softly moving over the skin of his head, making his eyes flutter and drawing a deep sigh of contentment from him. He could feel Shepard's smile against his lips as she was well aware what she was doing to him. One of his own hands was on her hip, urging her to come even closer to which she thankfully complied. Crawling in his lap Shepard settled on his legs without ever letting go or breaking their fairly innocent kiss.

In the end, it was Kaidan who decided to come up for air first, leaning his forehead against Shepard's while taking a stuttering breath, almost a laugh.

“I told you you'd better show up.”

“Yeah, well, took me a bit longer than expected since somebody took out the mass relays.”

Shepard huffed. "Not my fault you decided to take a trip to the other end of the galaxy. I don’t know what felt longer: Waiting for you all these months while you were lost in space or the hours since you returned. Don't you dare ever letting me wait ever again.”

There was humor in her voice but Kaidan knew Shepard long enough to recognize the layer of fear below. He knew it from his own voice. They'd had too many close calls not to. But right now he didn't want to think about them. Right now all that counted was the woman in his arms that he wouldn't let go of anytime soon.

“Don't worry,” Kaidan murmured against her lips. “I have no intention to ever let you out of my sight again. Let's leave the galaxy saving to others, yeah?”

“Old soldiers, hm?” Shepard asked, brushing the gray on his temple.

“Not that old,” Kaidan grumbled. Shepard laughed.

“Don't worry,” she echoed his words. “I'll still love you when you're old and gray.”

“Will you?” Kaidan asked, noticing the serious tone of his own voice that had slipped in without him meaning to. Shepard's smile softened, her hands cupping his face.

“I told you, Kaidan. Always.”

Before he could reply, her lips were back on his, more intense than before. Deepening their kiss, Kaidan couldn't help but moan, pressing Shepard even closer to him. Their hips were flush against each other so she could feel without a doubt his reaction to her. As if to prove him right, Shepard wiggled on his lap, drawing a gasp from him that made her hum.

Without warning, she drew back, holding his head in place so he couldn't follow, much to his dismay. She soothed him with a tiny kiss on the lips, gone too quick to actually enjoy it or draw her back in. Instead, she leaned closer, her mouth next to his ear so he could feel her hot breath ghosting over his skin. He shivered.

“Take me to bed?”

He didn't need to be asked twice.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW. If that's not your thing, you can skip it and just read the next chapter. The story will still make sense without it.

Touching Shepard was discovering her all over again. The landscape of her body had, again, changed ever so slightly. Like a country after a war, it showed what the conflict had done to her. Scars created a new landscape and bones too close to the surface instead of destruction and ruins. No, nothing about Shepard was ruined. She was a survivor, showing every single scar that had brought her here proudly. She was more beautiful than ever.  
  
Even if the war had taken its toll, had changed things in Shepard he could only begin to suspect, he knew she'd come out stronger than before. This was just the way Shepard worked. With strength beneath the cracks and willpower behind the shadows in her eyes.  
  
Kaidan's hand traveled down the expanse of her body, mapping every unevenness that hadn't been there before and committed it to memory. He swore to himself to never let them get to this point again where he had to familiarize himself with her like this, to never let her get harmed and changed this way. Whatever the future held for them, he'd make damn sure it wouldn't hurt her.  
  
A hand on his cheek forced him to look up and into Shepard's face. Her features were soft in a way they only were around him. It made his heart swell. He turned his head a bit and placed a small kiss on her palm.  
  
“Where did you just go?” Shepard asked quietly.  
  
“Nowhere. Believe me, I'm going nowhere where you aren't.”  
  
“That's good to hear.”  
  
Carefully be bowed down and placed his lips against the hollow of her throat, a layer of burned skin greeting him. The texture was unfamiliar but he had every intention of changing that, letting his lips run over it. He noted when Shepard's breath hitched and when the burn seemed too thick for her to feel anything. She hadn't told him why she was still carrying these scars when they were usually so easily healed but he had a suspicion. If they were still there, it either meant that they were lacking the equipment to heal her or that her treatment couldn't have been complete yet. That her injuries had been worse before so healing the burn marks had become an afterthought. Considering how long he'd been gone, he couldn't even begin to imagine how bad they'd been.  
  
Kaidan tried not to think about it. Tried not to let the pointless guilt overwhelm him. Not when Shepard had already told him to cut it out, that there was nothing to feel guilty about. That it didn't matter that he hadn't been there, that it wasn't his fault, and that all that mattered was that he came back in one piece. That he'd fulfilled his promise.  
  
“You're back and you took care of my ship and my crew. What more could a girl want?” She'd joked, eyes urging him to let it go and stay in the moment. Looking at her, feeling her beneath him, it was easier than he’d suspected. Maybe there was an upside to being an old soldier after all with being able to let go and treasure moments that seemed impossible not too long ago.  
  
Shepard squirmed under him when he placed his open mouth on the soft flesh of her breast, letting it rest there while his hot breath ghosted over her. Kaidan was on his elbows, careful not to put all of his weight on her body that was an odd and beautiful mix of fragility and strength, sharp bones and scarred skin. Despite Shepard assuring him she wasn’t made of glass, he felt like could break any moment under his clumsy hands, shattering what sure had to be an illusion.  
  
“At one point you need to stop looking at me like I'm some kind of miracle or dream, Alenko.”  
  
“Never,” he breathed against her skin, making her shiver.  
  
With open-mouthed kisses he circled her left mound, his hand now caressing her hip bone. Kaidan rested his chin in the valley of her breasts, looking up to Shepard who was watching him intently.  
  
“You need to eat more.”  
  
Shepard’s eyebrows wandered up before she snorted.  
  
“You sound like Miranda.”  
  
“I truly hope she didn’t tell you that while being in my position.”  
  
“I remember a time when you wouldn’t have minded.”  
  
“Funny, Shepard.”  
  
She grinned at him, her mouth's wickedness not matching the softness in her eyes.  
  
“Is that the medic in you talking?”  
  
“No, it’s your worried boyfriend talking.”  
  
“Boyfriend, huh?”  
  
“Partner. Mate. Lover.”  
  
“Lover? Wouldn’t there be love making to be involved for you to actually call you that?”  
  
“So impatient.”  
  
“Well, my _boyfriend_ is lying between my legs and uses his mouth for talking instead of rectifying the involuntary celibacy we’ve been on for the last couple of months when we should be celebrating the whole being alive and together thing.”  
  
Kaidan laughed. “So you made your case. What would you want me to do with my mouth instead, Shepard?”  
  
He’d lowered his voice to a growl. It made Shepard shiver, the result expected but not less satisfying.  
  
“Surprise me,” she murmured.  
  
“I can do that.”  
  
Turning his head, he slowly started kissing his way down Shepard’s stomach, making sure the emerging stubble on his chin scratched her soft skin in just the right way, teasing her before his lips could. Both of his hands were now on her hips, pinning her just where he wanted her to be. Shepard squirmed under him, a curse leaving her when he decided to go even slower and pay special attention to her belly button with small nibbles and licks.  
  
After a few more curses thrown his way, Kaidan took pity on her and crossed the border between her belly and what was waiting for him beyond. He could already smell her. The scent that was so unmistakably Shepard that memories of the past few months, of the darkest hours of the night when the longing became almost unbearable, threatened to crash down in him. The thought about teasing her further died that instant.  They’d done enough waiting.  
  
Kaidan kissed her, deep and passionate in a way that was usually reserved for her other lips. Shepard made a sound that seemed dangerously close to choking before it turned into a moan. Raising his eyes, Kaidan saw her grasping the sheets, her back arching from the bed.  
  
His thumbs circled the skin on her hips while his tongue mirrored the movement on her clit without adding the pressure she craved so desperately. He left the sensitive nub for her entrance, paying the kind of attention to it that made her chest heave. Kaidan knew exactly what it would take to make the Commander (Captain, he reminded himself) beg, a feat many would claim impossible. But it wasn’t what he as going for, not today. So he quickly abandoned the path of slow, pleasurable torture he'd stepped onto again without noticing.  
  
Kaidan withdrew one of his hands from her hip to replace his tongue with a finger that refused to dip in deeper. Before Shepard could turn frustrated from what could be another part of a game she knew just too well, he started sucking her clit. A heavy moan rocked Shepard’s body and he was sure that it had to be breaching the walls of her quarters and startle whoever was living next door. He also was sure he didn’t care.  
  
Shepard fell apart under him as he kept sucking while his finger was now moving in and out of her, soon to be accompanied by another one. Kaidan wanted to close his eyes and enjoy the sensation of her coming undone under him but he couldn’t bring himself to follow this first instinct and miss the way Shepard’s body moved in the moonlight falling through the window. Her subtle mounds raised with her arching back, almost blocking her face if it wasn’t for the pillow her head rested on. He was thankful for it because it made him see her eyes, closed in pleasure just as her mouth was open, letting out all the quiet sounds of bliss he'd missed so much.  
  
When the tremors stopped rocking her body, leaving her slightly shaking, Kaidan’s mouth left her clit and started moving up again. His fingers did no such thing, however, staying where they were and making sure Shepard had no chance to truly come down from her high.  
  
Her mouth was greedy against his, not caring that she was tasting herself more than him. Her fingers were buried in his hair, refusing to let him even move an inch away from her, pressing him against her body and not caring for his struggle to not squash her beneath his weight. He might’ve lost some of his bulk over the last months but he still didn't trust himself not to hurt her. Shepard did.  
  
One hand left his hair just to appear at his ass, pressing him down against her as he lost his carefully maintained balance. When he tried to move off her, Shepard’s legs wrapped around his, making it impossible to move. He grumbled against her lips as one of his arms was still pinned between them. Shepard’s laugh turned into a gasp when her ministrations had his fingers slip from her. They didn’t move far, settling against her clit and making her twitch. His other hand was placed on the mattress, giving both of them a solid shove that had them tumble over, effectively switching their positions. Shepard made a huff and blew her hair from her face. From her spot lying flat on top of his chest, she glared at him.  
  
“Happy now?”  
  
Kaidan grinned. “Absolutely.”  
  
Shepard rolled her eyes but didn’t complain. She merely settled on his hips, his hand sandwiched between her heat and his hard length, before rolling hers. A moan left Kaidan, leaving him wondering if his plan had been that good if he wanted to last longer than a few minutes. It had been way too long since they'd been together and he was only human after all. Seeing Shepard cup her breasts made his mind blank. Sitting atop of him, he could see her even better, watch as she moved even though they weren’t even joined yet. The sight managed to take his breath away and made fire burn through his veins. He wasn’t sure how long he’d survive this kind of tantalizing.  
  
Maybe it was a good thing that Shepard had not only stripped away her clothes but also any kind of patience she usually wore. Instead of teasing him further, she grabbed his hands and placed them on the now free space on her breasts. It was more distracting than Kaidan liked to admit. Not enough, however, that he missed her snaking her own hand between the two of them to take his cock and guide it to her entrance so she could slowly, torturously so, slide down on him. Suddenly, it was very hard to breathe. Shepard was impossibly hot and tight, the feeling making him dizzy.  
  
For a moment they stayed as they were, unwilling to move and change anything about this perfect moment. Kaidan was aware of every single inch of skin that was touching Shepard, every shuddering breath she took, and every heated flicker in her eyes. Way too soon the point arrived at which the buildup became too much to handle. Bracing her hands on his chest, Shepard again rolled her hips against him. This time, it tore a low moan from the both of them. Kaidan felt his hands on her breast tighten involuntarily, hoping he wasn’t bruising her. If he was, Shepard didn't care. After the first wave of sensation stopped drowning them, she added another careful roll, then another. Her hips re-discovered the same rhythm that had been part of their lives since that fateful night before Ilos. The only difference was that it was slower this time, much slower, and Shepard was soon starting to breathe heavy in a way that had less to do with their current activity and more with the strain it put on her body after a day filled with excitement and stress. He could see the exhaustion in her face as clear as the frustration it came with.  
  
Kaidan’s hands left her breasts, one settling on her hips while the other one rested against her cheek. The touches stilled her but she refused to look at his face.  
  
“Hey. Shepard,” Kaidan coaxed, voice rough. It was incredibly hard to think with the woman he’d longed for so long wrapped around him like this. She still refused to look at him but she didn’t shy away either. They were still touching, intimately so. For a woman who shied away from physical contact when she was emotionally withdrawing, this was a good sign.  
  
Gently Kaidan turned Shepard’s head so she had to look at him, although her eyes stayed glued to his chest. He could feel her hands and legs tremble against him, fatigue talking over.  
  
“We can stop if it’s too much,” he said, thumb ghosting over her skin.  
  
“No!” Shepard said with more force than he’d expected. Her green eyes finally found his and he could see all the stubbornness and frustration he knew so well mixed with the kind of fragility she hardly ever let anybody see.  
  
“I’m just … it’s …” Frustrated she blew a stray lock of hair from her face while searching for the right words.  
  
Kaidan knew what she wanted to say but he stayed silent. It was important for her to voice the thoughts herself. To say them out loud and make them real. Because no matter how invincible the galaxy thought her to be, Captain Cassandra Shepard still was a human being with all the flaws and weaknesses that came with it. A woman who’d been badly hurt and was still in recovery, no matter how much that annoyed her.  
  
“It shouldn’t be like that. I shouldn’t be this weak,” she said after a few moments, voice barely above a whisper. It broke Kaidan’s heart.  
  
“You were hurt, Shepard. While saving the universe. It’s not even been a year. Give your body some time to recover.”  
  
“It had time, enough of it. I’ve hardly done anything since I woke up. Hackett and Parks made sure of it, believe me …”  
  
He almost laughed at her miffed tone but wisely held back. The somber look on her face let any urge to laugh die down soon enough.  
  
“I wanted to be better by the time you were back. I didn’t want you to see how broken I am.”  
  
“Hey, Shepard. Hey. You are not broken, ok? You survived a war. You saved the galaxy. And you got a few more scratches and dents while doing so and they are still healing. But you are not broken. You are still the same beautiful, strong, and infuriatingly stubborn woman I fell in love with. It doesn’t get better than that if you ask me.”  
  
Shepard huffed but he could see the smile she fought against. “You’re full of shit, Alenko.”  
  
He sighed dramatically. “That’s what I get for loving you.”  
  
“Yeah, well, I never said it would be easy.”  
  
“Never expected it to be. Still, it’s worth it. You are worth it.”  
  
Kaidan fully expected her to tell him what a sap he was. Instead, Shepard just smiled at him and bowed down to press her lips against his in a soft kiss. The change of position made him shudder and bite back a moan. He tried to ignore what her movement did to his body and instead slung his arms around her to press her against his chest, unwilling to let go again. Shepard gasped, showing that she wasn’t unaffected by him either, even if her body refused to cooperate.  
  
“So now what?” She mumbled against his chin.  
  
“You sure you don’t want a rain check?”  
  
“Kaidan, I think a rain check might kill us both.”  
  
Kaidan laughed, kissing her temple. “Fine. You won.”  
  
With this he maneuvered them again, moving Shepard’s body under his, bringing them back into the same position they had been in before. Shepard grinned. Kaidan rolled his eyes.  
  
“Aw, don’t pout, Major. I'll be back on top in no time.”  
  
“I have no doubt about that, Captain.”  
  
Shepard’s grin softened into a smile as she slung her arms around his neck, drawing him down to her and into a gentle kiss. It stood at odds with the heat still holding onto him thanks to their joining and yet it fit perfectly.  
  
Shepard’s legs were now on either side of his, spread widely to make room for him. He let one of his hands wander down her side to take hold of her thigh and pressed it firmer against him, pulling them even closer together.  
  
She moaned into his mouth, fingers again digging into his hair. It cost Kaidan every ounce of energy and control to keep them in this position, pressed against Shepard without putting his weight on her. He knew the fear of crushing her was a ridiculous notion but he still couldn’t shake the thought. That was until Shepard clamped down on him, reminding him that they were still very much joined and that she still very much wanted his attention.  
  
A slow roll of his hips tore a gasp from both of them as he buried himself deeper into Shepard. Her eyes fluttered close as she arched off the bed, pressing herself tighter against him. Her skin was an odd mix of heat, sweat, softness and a new texture that came from the not yet healed burn marks on her side. He wanted to let his lips travel over them, lick them and kiss them, and then move back up. Shepard’s iron grip on his neck made it hard to move anything but his hips. Not that he minded too much.  
  
It didn’t take long for them to find their rhythm again. Pressed against each other from forehead to toe, there wasn’t much room to maneuver but it made every movement more meaningful. It was as much about simply touching as much of each other as possible as well as reconnecting in the oldest way.  
  
Shepard’s lips were next to his ear, hot air crawling over his skin. He could hear every tiny change in her breath, every gasp, and moan that came with his thrusts. His own heart thundered in his ears and he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep going for much longer. The mixture of Shepard’s softness and heat was almost too much after all his time and yet he couldn’t bring himself to speed up and have it end this soon. The idea of being even apart from her this much already hurt him.  
  
Sweat was running over his back from the by now unfamiliar exertion, his breathing labored. Kaidan felt one of Shepard’s hands abandoning their iron grip on his hair and neck to travel downward and move between their bodies. A sudden hiss next to his ear and Shepard clamping down around him told him exactly what she was doing as the action tore another deep moan from him. He tried not to abandon the steady rhythm but it was becoming increasingly harder as the woman beneath him tired so very much to make him lose control and to lose it herself.  
  
Kaidan could feel her lips ghosting over his ear, voice rough and out of breath.  
  
“Let go, Kaidan.”  
  
He moaned as he buried his face in her neck, hips snapping forward and deeper into her. Shepard echoed his cry as she slung both legs around his hips, holding him in position and giving him less room to maneuver. Their movements became frantic, any resemblance of control lost in the harsh flow of their hips.  
  
Kaidan wanted to kiss her, to savor this moment and be joined with her in every way possible but before the thought was even fully formed, a quake went through Shepard and stole her ability to breath. Her fingers dug into his flesh, holding him in place as she shuddered beneath him, hand still moving unseen between them where they were joined. Kaidan didn’t need to see it to know what she was doing and even if the thought alone hadn’t been enough to push him over the edge, her heat clamping down around him was more than enough.  
  
Kaidan’s hips came to a stuttering halt after another few sharp thrusts had him follow Shepard into oblivion. A tremor ran over his whole body, making him moan into the hollow of her throat where his face was still resting and bite down on the soft flesh to silence himself. He heard Shepard gasp but it was too far away. His thundering heart drowned out everything around them.  
  
It took him a while to get back to the surface where Shepard was already waiting. One of her hands was slowly combing through his hair while the other rested on his neck, drawing small patterns on his heated skin. Face still buried in her neck, Kaidan took a deep breath, enjoying the intoxicating mixture that was all sweat and Shepard. Belated he realized that he was lying on top of her with almost all his weight.  
  
With a loud grunt, he rolled from her and to his back, having them both gasp for air when he slipped from her. He was still reeling from the feeling when a weight settled on his chest, glancing down at him from happy, sated eyes.  
  
He opened his mouth.  
  
“Kaidan, I swear if you are going to apologize, I will shoot you.”  
  
His mouth snapped shut but he couldn’t help but grin.  
  
“I love you too, Shepard.”  
  
The woman in question rolled her eyes before nestling into his arms and sighing. It was a deep, content noise he could only agree with. A noise he cherished and he didn’t eve know how much he’d missed until this moment.  
  
Kaidan pressed his lips to her forehead, drawing her even closer as if to make sure she wouldn't just vanish into thin air like the Shepard of his dreams had so many times in the past few years. Feeling the change in his body, the sudden stiffness he couldn’t hide from her, Shepard turned her head to look at him. Whatever she found, her face softened.  
  
“Don’t worry. I won’t go anywhere where you can’t follow ever again.”  
  
“Promise?”  
  
In another life, he would’ve hated how small and breathless his voice sounded. How desperate for an affirmation she couldn’t give. But in this life, after all they’d gone through, after all the times he’d already lost her, he didn’t care. All he cared about was an answer he already knew but needed to hear anyway.  
  
Shepard smiled. “Promise.”  
  
It was easier to fall asleep after that. And for once, his dreams of her weren’t merely a painful reminder of all that he lost.


	5. Chapter 5

As far as mornings went, this one was shaping up to be perfect. The smell of hot coffee was drifting through the air just as the sun started rising enough to shine through the curtains of the apartment, softly moving in the light breeze. A low hum was telling her that the city outside was slowly waking up, just like a gentle but steady snoring told her that the naked man in her bed refused to follow suit. Instead of rising early like he usually did, he’d mumbled something about five more minutes, burying his face deeper into his pillow. His hair was sticking up in every direction and the sheets had settled low on his hips, almost showing off one of his best features.  
  
Five more minutes had become twenty as Shepard decided to take the time Kaidan refused to get up to shower and get ready herself. Her naked form wandering by had caught his interest if his sleepy smile was anything to go by but it wasn’t enough to rouse him. Just as well as she could still feel the exertions of the previous night deep in every movement. She was positively and delightfully sore, her legs unsteady in the best of ways.  
  
It didn’t stop her from pulling away the sheets and slapping Kaidan's ass as she walked by again to make coffee, startling him to wakefulness. The riot of dark curls and the sleepiness took away the force of his glare. Shepard snorted.  
  
“Better get into the shower, Alenko. Unless you want to be caught in my bed without any clothes, still smelling of sex.”  
  
“Can’t we stay in bed all day?” He rasped, voice so deliciously rough Shepard was tempted to say to hell with debriefings and crawl back under the covers. It took more willpower than she cared to admit letting her professional site win.  
  
“If you hadn’t noticed, I’m already up.”  
  
“Mhm. I’ll forgive you that flaw if you come back to bed. And bring the sheets with you.”  
  
“The coffee is in the kitchen.”  
  
“That too.”  
  
“Kaidan…”  
  
He huffed dramatically. “Oh alright.”  
  
With what seemed like a lot of unnecessary effort, Kaidan heaved himself out of the bed and stretched leisurely before wandering off to the bathroom with an exaggerated swagger that told her all about what she was missing right now.  
  
Shepard rolled her eyes but couldn’t fight the smile crawling onto her lips as she returned to the living room to follow her morning rituals. She turned on the TV to let today's news wash over her as she made her way to the coffee maker to grab a mug.  
  
The smell was enough to help her shake off the sleepiness. She enjoyed one of the small luxuries she allowed herself. By now the relief efforts were well under way and a lot of things were up and running again just as before. Getting luxury goods like coffee still was rather hard and expensive but knowing that the Alliance basically ran on coffee, someone made sure there always was enough for the marines, especially for her. Saving the galaxy had it's perks and coffee was the only one she cared for. That and a private bedroom that she didn’t need to share. Although sharing it last night had been anything but unwelcome.  
  
Shepard smiled into her mug, feeling relaxed in a way she’d almost forgotten. Over the past few months missing Kaidan had become an omni-present pain in her heart, something she could forget for a while until it robbed her breath without warning. She wondered if that was what it was like for him in the two years she was dead and the thought turned her stomach. It wasn’t something she wished on anyone, let alone the man she loved. Even now it took an extreme amount of willpower to let him out of her sight. To not go and check on him in the shower to make sure she hadn’t just dreamed him and his return up.  
  
Before she could scold herself for being ridiculous, the door to her apartment chimed just to open a second later, revealing Admiral Hackett and Private Parks. A glance at the clock told her that her personal assistant was early this morning which could likely be blamed on her company and the events of the past day.  
  
Shepard’s eyes flicked to the closed bedroom door. It hid not only the myriad of clothes Kaidan had disregarded while undressing the both of them yesterday but also the last bits of the sound of the shower that weren't drowned out by the news.  
  
Before Shepard could start to wonder what finding him here after they’d made sure that nobody knew about their relationship for years would mean, Parks began to unload the content of a gigantic tray of food on the table while the Admiral watched her bemused after grabbing a mug of coffee for himself.  
  
“Good morning, Captain! I hope you slept well! I wasn’t sure if you wanted to eat in the mess with your tight schedule today so I took the liberty to select a small arrangement of food for your breakfast.”  
  
The “small arrangement”, in Shepard’s opinion, could possibly feed a small family. There was toast, jam, oatmeal, cornflakes, yogurt, a selection of vegetables and fruits, as well as a muffin, some bacon, an omelet, and scrambled eggs. It was as if Parks had tried to fit every possible kind of breakfast she could think of on the tray to make sure there was something for her on it. Thinking about it, that was actually something that sounds like Parks would do to get her to eat more. Miranda always kept bemoaning that she ate too little but appetite wasn’t something that seemed to come naturally to her anymore. Growing up the way she did, when food was hard to come by, it had never been more than a necessity to her. Something that kept her alive just like clothes shielding her against the cold and something resembling a roof over her head that provided shelter were. There was no room to be fanciful or develop preferences if you never knew when your next meal would be. The Alliance changed that, to a certain degree. At least here she could choose between the different things the mess provided. Still, food had never been much of a priority for her – until a certain man with a biotic metabolism entered her life, dead set on showing her that food could be more than fuel. At least when he didn't get distracted and burnt it all ...

But that was before he vanished. Before she woke up alone in the hospital and everything turned to ash as soon as she put it in her mouth.   
  
Shepard shot Hackett a glance who still looked amused while he settled next to her, pointing with his chin toward her food. She rolled her eyes and picked a piece of melon. Parks began rattling down today’s schedule.  
  
  
“Didn’t think she’d be this perky so early,” Hackett commented in his usual dry tone. Shepard snorted.  
  
“It’s her default setting. Get yourself a cup of coffee and sit down, Parks. We’ve got time for this later.”  
  
Parks halted in the middle of telling her the plan for the afternoon — the whole day could be summed up with the word “debriefings” anyway — but before she could say another word, the door chimed again just to open a few seconds later.  
  
“See, I told you she’d already be awake!”  
  
“Morning, Lola! Uh, Admiral…”  
  
“James. Joker.”  
  
Shepard nodded to the coffee maker but James was already sitting down beside her, snatching a piece of bacon from her tray, much to the dismay of Parks. Joker followed just a few seconds after, mug in his hand and eyeing her food too.  
  
In the corner of her eye, she could see Hackett’s lips twitch.  
  
“Wow, is half of this stuff even available in the mess? I mean … peaches, Shepard? Really?”  
  
“Help yourself, Joker.”  
  
Shepard ignored Parks' pained expression while Joker bent over to steal a peach.  
  
“So, what’s new? What’s on today's agenda?” James asked around another strip of bacon. Parks looked like she’d slap his hand away if he tried grabbing a third one, ignoring the fact that she knew Shepard wasn’t fond of it anyway.  
  
Shepard threw a glance to Hackett who seemed surprisingly relaxed and just watched.  
  
“Debriefings.”  
  
“Yes, debriefings,” Parks said, tone clipped.  
  
"Eh. They aren't half as fun if you can't hang up in the middle of the call." Joker said around another bite of peach until he felt the Admiral's inquisitive eyes on him.  
  
"Not that we'd ever have done something like that. Right, Commander?"  
  
"Wouldn't dream of it."  
  
"It's Captain now," Parks reminded, her voice strained.  
  
"Yeah, sorry. That might take a while to get used to. After so many galaxy saving incidents we kinda gave up the idea that you'd ever be promoted, Shepard."  
  
Admiral Hackett refrained from commenting and Shepard merely snorted so Parks decided to get back into informing them about today's agenda, probably to distract herself from the fact that James and Joker were the only ones eating Shepard's breakfast and that nobody seemed to care about protocol this early in the morning.  
  
"Debriefings are with Major Alenko today as he was the commanding officer of the SSV Normandy after the Captain left. He already submitted his detailed reports but a hearing is scheduled for later today. If he can be found, that is."  
  
Shepard's hand froze in the middle of raising her mug to take another sip of coffee.  
  
"What do you mean 'can be found'? What happened to the Major?" James asked another strip of bacon half-forgotten on its track to his mouth.  
  
Parks fidgeted with the data pad in her hand, throwing a glance to Shepard and Admiral Hackett. The latter didn't seem surprised at all so Shepard guessed the Private had already briefed him on the way to her quarters.  
  
"Major Alenko didn't check into his quarters last night and wasn't there this morning."  
  
"Did he even know where they were?" James wondered aloud.  
  
"Yes, sir," Parks bit the last word out in a way that showed how much of a "sir" she thought James to be. The marine blinked in confusion as if he'd actually forgotten that he was quite a few ranks above the Private. Shepard had to hide her grin behind her mug and fund the Admiral doing the same. The only one not being touched by this seemed to be Joker who'd just finished his peach.  
  
"He's also not answering his omni-tool."  
  
“Eh, he’ll resurface. As long as he doesn’t try to grow another beard. Makes him look like a god damn space hobo.”  
  
“Who looks like a space hobo?” Garrus asked from the door, Tali trailing right behind him. Shepard hadn’t even heard the door chime another time. She wondered when her companions had decided that her personal quarters were a public meeting area to walk into whenever they desired. She could count herself lucky that nobody barged in here when the door to her bedroom was still open, giving everyone entering a fantastic view of two naked marines, having a special kind of debriefing.  
  
Then again, after that many months apart she couldn't blame them. If it hadn't been for the biotic in her shower she'd already been on her way to do the same and seek them out. Speaking of the biotic in her shower …  
  
“Kaidan.”  
  
“What even is a space hobo?”  
  
“Kaidan with a beard, Tali.”  
  
“Oh. Yes, he looks kind of weird with one. All humans with hair in their faces do.”  
  
“Hey!”  
  
“You don’t count, Joker. Obviously.”  
  
“What is that supposed to-”  
  
Shepard ignored the weird turn the conversation had taken as Garrus rounded the table to claim a spot just behind her shoulder at the counter. Close enough that they could talk without shouting over the others but also strategically sound as his eyes were on both the door and the windows. He had a mug of his own in his talons with a steaming hot liquid he'd brought along. Probably the turian equivalent of coffee, whatever that was.  
  
"How was your first night planetside?" Shepard asked.

"Sleepless."  
  
"Missed the vibrations of the ship?"  
  
"Me? No. But Tali did. Her tossing and turning made sleep impossible."  
  
Hearing her name, the quarian's head turned around and Shepard could only guess the glance she was sending in Garrus' direction behind her visor. Before he could say or do something to deescalate the situation, the door swished open again, making Shepard wonder if she should just leave it open as it was busier than a damned space port anyway.  
  
“What is going on here?” Hips cocked and brow raised, Miranda was standing in the door, looking at the steadily growing gathering of Alliance personnel and Normandy crew in Shepard's apartment. Behind her, Dr. Chackwas entered the small space that was beginning to feel seriously crowded. With every person that entered, Shepard's hope of getting Kaidan out of the bedroom in a less than compromising fashion became nothing more than a vague fantasy. Maybe she should've hacked his omni-tool and installed a infiltration program back during their time on the Normandy despite his claims he didn't need it. Although, to be fair, none of them had thought about this situation when they'd talked about it.  
  
With her mug, Shepard beckoned her physician to come in. "Coffee, Miranda? Dr. Chackwas?"  
  
The ex-Cerberus operative heaved a sight. "Is this your new way of trying to get out of your morning checkups, Shepard?"  
  
"Believe me, Miranda, I have nothing to do with all this."  
  
Shepard had thought Miranda's eyebrows couldn't raise any higher but as it seemed, she was wrong. Blue eyes found their way to the mini-feast that was in front of the Captain and a small smile tugged on her lips.  
  
"Well, at least it looks like you're eating for once. Don't let us disturb you."  
  
Miranda too wandered over to the coffee maker, getting herself and Dr. Chackwas a cup full of the steaming hot liquid of life that Shepard not so slowly saw vanishing in mugs that weren't her own. Afterward, she turned around and crossed her arms, nodding her chin to the still untouched plate in front of Shepard. It was the same game they played almost every morning. And like almost every morning, Shepard elected to ignore it.  
  
Her eyes traveled over the gathering of friends, the people she'd trusted with her life more than once, and that had like by miracle made it to the other side of the war. Joker and James were still stealing food from her tablet under the watchful eyes of a rather annoyed Private Parks who looked like she'd start whacking them with her data pad soon. Garrus was sipping whatever was in his cup, watching Tali watch the news. Dr. Chackwas and Miranda were brooding over what looked like her medical records (probably waiting for her to finish so they could update it) and Admiral Hackett watched the scene with something akin to amusement on his face. He seemed relaxed in a way she'd hardly ever seen him, even post-war.  
  
Silence had settled over the small group as each of them found a way to occupy themselves, simply enjoying the fact that after months, after beating impossible odds, they were together again. Not quite all of them but there would be time for that later. Because there was a later, this time. After months and months of waiting and longing and fearing and not quite believing, reality hit Shepard with a force that threatened to take away her breath and make her dizzy. There was later. There was a future. For her, for her friends, for -  
  
"Hey Cass, have you seen my-"  
  
And just like that all her thoughts came to a screeching halt just as every single head in the room turned from whatever they were doing to the half-naked marine standing on the threshold to her bedroom. Like her, Kaidan had frozen, staring back at the crowd whose full attention was on him. Although now that Shepard had more than a second to look, half-naked didn't quite fit. It was rather almost completely naked. All that was between Kaidan's body and the eyes of every single person in the room was a tiny towel slung dangerously low on his slim hips. It didn't even come close to reaching is knees, leaving little to the imagination. Another one was clutched in his hand, forgotten half-way between the chaotic wet mess of unruly hair he'd been drying and being lowered when he'd turned into a living statue after realizing they weren't alone. If it wasn't for the look of sheer horror on his face that not even a horde of banshees was able to induce, Shepard might've laughed. She wondered if Kaidan was one of these kids who'd dreamed of standing naked in front of a classroom. She wondered if now was the time to ask.  
  
Nobody said a word as Kaidan stood before them, unmoving and dripping water all over the floor. There was no way back from this. After all these years, their secret was out. But in the end, it didn't matter anymore, did it? Not now that their lives had turned from a doomed tragedy-to-be into something with a future. A future she'd just thought about, that laid before her. And the person she wanted to be at her side was the man who still failed to utter a single word to the deathly silent room, looking like he might have a heart attack.  
  
"Found him," Shepard declared loud enough that Tali visibly startled. Every single head whipped toward her, including Kaidan's. Instead of saying more or explain the situation Shepard got up to get more coffee. The pot was empty much to her dismay. She sighed and started preparing another one, still feeling the eyes of her team boring into her back while she worked. Shepard threw a glance over her shoulder. Despite it being more than obvious what had transpired last night (and in the early morning hours), they still seemed to expect an explanation for the naked Spectre in her quarters. Well, they could have one.  
  
"I forgot to mention that I already … debriefed Major Alenko last night. Very thorough."  
  
Her lips quirked, especially as she saw how Kaidan screwed his eyes shut at her choice of words, wincing. A deep red color crept into his cheeks, slowly traveling down his still wet and still pretty naked body. For a moment she wondered if his embarrassment ran hotter than his biotics.  
  
James snorted. "Oh, there was debriefing, alright …"  
  
Shepard clamped down her clips to not burst out laughing. She was feeling rather lightheaded herself. Maybe Kaidan wasn't the only one close to panic. This certainly wasn't how she'd imagine telling her friends about their relationship — not that she'd thought about it much anyway, having kept it so private for the last several years. She turned around just the moment Kaidan decided to wake up from his rigor, straightening himself. His eyes found hers and below the panic and bewilderment, she saw Kaidan's typical stubbornness shimmering through. She couldn't help how it tugged at her heart.  
  
"Have you seen my duffel?" Kaidan asked, voice calm as if they were the only people in the room as if he wasn't standing in front of almost all their friends without any pants and trying to convince himself that he was going to wake up any minute now.  
  
"At the door, Major," Admiral Hackett supplied, helpfully, shattering the illusion before Shepard even had a chance to answer. Kaidan's throat bobbed, the color in his cheeks becoming a shade darker.  
  
"Thank you, Admiral," he rasped. And then, chin high he walked over to his bag — just to find himself in the predicament that he'd likely flash the whole room if he tried to pick it up. Helpless, Kaidan stared at it. Just as Shepard wondered if he'd pick it up with his biotics soon, James jumped up from the table and headed over to save him.  
  
"There you go, Major."  
  
"Thank you, Vega," Kaidan said with as much dignity as possible, taking his bag. He dared a glance around the room, finding her eyes for a second and narrowed his when he saw amusement sparkling in hers. She was pretty sure this little scene would have consequences. Shepard bit her lip to fight back the smile threatening to break free. Without another word, Kaidan shook his hand and made for a tactical retreat.  
  
"Hey Parks, eyes up!" Was all Shepard heard before a loud "whack" followed and James yelped. After that, there was no more stopping the suppressed laughter that broke free around her as Kaidan fled the room.  
  
Shepard watched the door close with amusement before she turned around to finish prepping the coffee. Now that Kaidan was gone, their friends' eyes settled on her again. Making her way back to her chair she ignored it best as she could. She refused to supply any more information if there weren't direct questions to address. The sole exception being Admiral Hackett who looked at her with raised eyebrows and quiet amusement and who got a slight shrug in return. It was all the communication the two officers needed to settle the issue, it seemed. At least for now. It was not like Shepard particularly cared about recs anymore, at least not concerning Kaidan. She'd like to say it was because they shared a rank or that it was because they were both Spectres but she was well aware that it would be a lie. In the end, she just didn't care anymore. Maybe she never had.  
  
"Well, at least we know that one human Spectre isn't out of shape," Miranda said dryly.  
  
Shepard narrowed her eyes. "Low blow, Miranda."  
  
"Eat your breakfast and prove me wrong."  
  
Shepard rolled her eyes, not taking the bait.  
  
"What the hell was that?!" Joker demanded, staring at her.  
  
"I think we've established that this was Major Alenko," Shepard replied, taking another sip from her coffee.  
  
"Funny, Captain. Now cut the crap."  
  
Somewhere next to him, Private Parks gasped due to the lack of respect and proper protocol. Shepard wondered if maybe the young woman would be the one getting a heart attack today and not Kaidan. Should he ever leave their bedroom again, that is.  
  
"The Major called you Cass. Can we call you Cass too, Lola?"  
  
"No, James, you can not."  
  
"And here I thought after saving the galaxy together three times we're finally on a first name basis," Garrus said, feigning sadness.  
  
"Well, actually, I'm not sure it's been three times yet. Depending on how you count-"  
  
"Well, that's fantastic, thank you Tali. Can we get back to the issue at hand? Naked Kaidan in Shepard's apartment? Thank you."  
  
"You're welcome."  
  
Joker gave Shepard a look that was utterly unamused. Behind his eyes, she could almost see the wheels turning as he tried to figure out what exactly was going on and when it had happened. It was clear to everyone that it had been more than just a one-night-stand.  
  
"I wasn't aware my relationship with the Major was up for public discussion, Joker."  
  
"Wait a second, relationship?!"  
  
"Do you call him Major all the time, Lola?" James wiggled his eyebrows.  
  
"Parks."  
  
WHACK!  
  
"Ow! Would you stop that! Is there no respect for superior officers around here anymore?"  
  
"Good question, James. You should think about that. Long and hard. Thank you, Parks."  
  
"You are more than welcome, Captain."  
  
"Hello? Relationship? Am I the only one who wants to know what the hell is going on?"  
  
"Clearly," Garrus said, drawing Joker's attention to the turian.  
  
"Wait a second, don't tell me you knew about it!"  
  
"And you didn't tell me?" Tali demanded.  
  
"Uh …"  
  
Shepard sighed. "He didn't know. At least not until the run to the beam when Kaidan was hurt and they had to be evacuated."  
  
She looked at her turian friend, waiting for him to verify it. He nodded, although the look on his face told her he wasn't happy about it either. They never had the chance to talk about had happened or why she'd never shared that particular piece of her life with him, even though she knew about his relationship with Tali. Although just because she accidentally walked in on them sharing an intimate hug so maybe it was kind of a similar situation.  
  
"That was almost a year ago! When did this happen?" Joker demanded, the most invested and unhappy about all of this. Of all of them, he'd known Kaidan and her the longest and had been friends with Kaidan even before the SR1. It didn't take a genius to figure out why he was upset.  
  
"Ilos," came the answer from the other side of the room. Hair still wet and not nearly as carefully styled as it usually was to combat the biotic discharge of his implant, Kaidan was now at least fully dressed and made his way to the chair next to her that James had abandoned. He looked a lot calmer than a few minutes before, having decided to say to hell with it and make the best of the situation. Being part of the Alliance, being a marine, didn't leave much room for being too shy about your own body, even if the situation now was slightly (a lot) different than a shared locker room.  
  
Kaidan sat down next to Shepard, giving her a small smile before looking at her empty plate with a concerned look. Without a word he took it and started putting food on it. Shepard could basically feel Private Parks vibrate with all the unsaid words she wanted to scream at all the people eating the food she'd brought for the one person who didn't eat anything.  
  
"Wait a second. Ilos? Like … Being-on-the-hunt-for-Saren-Ilos? Five-years-ago--Ilos?"  
  
"Almost six now," Kaidan supplied, still piling fruit and toast on the plate before setting it in front of Shepard.  
  
With raised eyebrows, she first looked at the plate in front of her before looking at Kaidan, well aware what was going on. With his chin he pointed at the food, his eyes never leaving hers.  
  
"I'm not -"  
  
"Two more coffees and you will be and then you'll be grumpy. You know you need the energy. Don't."  
  
The last word was directed at James who'd opened his mouth, no doubt to say something that would've made everybody cringe. It seemed the last few months stuck on the Normandy had removed every filter the young marine had. Shepard wondered what Hackett made of her small chaotic group and if he wondered by now how they'd actually managed to save the galaxy.  
  
Still under Kaidan's watchful eyes, Shepard relented and shoved a  piece of melon into her mouth. She glared at him, a silent challenge and question. Happy now?  
  
Kaidan gave her a tiny smile and squeezed her knee under the table before getting up to help himself to the coffee. Knowing her well enough, he took her mug with him to refill it.  
  
"Honestly Shepard? That's all it takes to get you to finally eat some damn food?" Miranda asked, exasperated. "If I'd known, I'd have sent a search party for Major Alenko myself months ago."  
  
Shepard rolled her eyes again. If the morning continued like that, her eyes would be stuck by lunch.  
  
"I'm not that bad, Miranda."  
  
"Yes, you are!" Joker said. "Six years, Shepard? What the hell!"  
  
"Yeah, Lola. Why did you guys never tell anyone about the both of you."  
  
"You might not have noticed, James, but I'm not particularly keen on making my private life part of scuttlebutt. Especially not if it's about my relationship with someone under my command."  
  
"Ah. That."  
  
Shepard shrugged.  
  
"Oh like any of us would've cared," Joker grumbled.  
  
"Which is clearly why you're taking this so well," Shepard said dryly, nodding her thanks to Kaidan who'd returned with two mugs of coffee.  
  
"There always were … complications." Kaidan added.  
  
"Like?"  
  
"Recs, dying, working with a terrorist organization, war, you deciding to get lost in space, … Take your pick."  
  
For the first time understanding dawned in Joker's  face, especially when it came to Shepard's death during the destruction on the SR1. She saw the same old guilt flicker over his face that had just begun to fade in the last months during the war whenever they'd talked.  
  
The mood in the room shifted and Shepard was wrecking her brain how to stop it. In the end, Garrus was the saving grace.  
  
"I can see how death might put a small damper in a relationship."  
  
"But it does wonders for your sex life," Shepard quipped before she could stop herself. She could hear Admiral Hackett next to her choke on his coffee while Kaidan on her other side just screwed his eyes shut, the color of his face turning bright red for a second time this morning.  
  
"That sounds so wrong," Tali murmured but was almost drowned out by James laugh and even Parks had to bite back a smile for what seemed like the first time this morning. Shepard saw Joker's shoulders relax and he gave  her a mischievous smirk, no doubt already planning how to torture Kaidan with this newfound information.  
  
Shepard popped another piece of fruit in her mouth as she winked at her helmsman. She let the hand not occupied with picking up food fall under the table, searching for Kaidan's. As soon as skin touched skin, their fingers entwined and he gave her a squeeze.  
  
For the umpteen times the door to her apartment chimed and again because nobody seemed to care about privacy anymore, the door swished open without Shepard uttering as much as an invitation. This time the open door revealed Liara whose glance traveled over the small gathering of people who'd without a doubt just shared some kind of joke.  
  
"What did I miss?" The Shadow Broker asked, eyes drawn to the half-hidden interwoven fingers of Kaidan and Shepard, widening slightly. If it was because she truly hadn't known or because she was surprised at seeing the two human Spectres being so open with their until now rather private relationship she didn't know. In the end, it didn't matter anyway. Not anymore.  
  
Shepard grinned at her friend. "Oh, you know. Nothing much."

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was not beta-ed so all mistakes are my own. Since English is not my first language, feel free to point out if I screwed up somewhere!


End file.
